Witnessing my breakdown - we must and can do better

Fear, loneliness, struggle and a breaking heart: the words that most describe how I felt inside every day when caring for my mum.

 

Looking back now with a clearer head, how could no one see this? I mean, I was a mess. We were falling apart; I was struggling to cope, struggling to care.

 

People surrounded me as a campaigner, people encouraged me to campaign, people supported me to campaign yet at home nothing changed.

 

I tried to speak loudly yet no one seemed to hear MY cry for help. The thing that is a constant in my mind is "What about Mum?”

We had fragmented support, fragmented understanding.

I hoped from the crowd someone might recognise the mess we were in. I hoped from that crowd someone might truly hear what I was saying.

Was I a good bedroom campaigner? I don't know. 

What I do know is I wanted to be a good son, a good carer and in amongst all the talking loudly and campaigning, this hope, this wish, suffered most.

 

Was I a good son and carer?

I truly don't believe I was, I just did not know how. I was lost; we were both lost.

 

My mum deserved better, better than I was able to give. 

So this heart that was breaking will never truly heal.

 

 

Tommy